The month of August has been one big shit show! While looking through photos to go along with each ‘day’ of the 60 day challenge, I came to the conclusion, I took ALMOST no pictures in the month of August! This month as been filled with some very high highs and some very low lows. I’m currently in the middle of something I would like to call normal…. but deep down I know it is not. I was always the one who said I would never let a man change me. I am who I am, take me or leave me. Apparently that isn’t working anymore and people just leave! SO. I must gather whatever remains I have left on the table and move on. I must move on in more than one aspect of my life. I read many many healthy livings blogs daily. Over a year ago when I first started working out, eating better and over all feeling better these blogs REALLY helped me. I know these bloggers only post positive aspects of their lives, but sometimes it’s a little overwhelming. I think I’ve seen enough oatmeal to last a lifetime, the wedding dresses look superb, and now recently many are showing off their baby bumps. Sigh. Where did I go wrong? I know NO ONE is going to make me happy besides ME! I have come to terms with this many times before. I must stop comparing myself to others. But its human nature to do so right?

A few months back I like to think on was on top of the world. I had a job. A good job. A job I sometimes loved and at other times hated! But in this economy a job is a job! I was working out all the time. I purposely made friends in certain classes, so I knew they would be they’re looking for me. Asking where I was the week before, if somehow the couch got ahold of me before I put my sneakers on. I was cooking. Not a lot, but just enough to satisfy myself while sneaking in yummy treats for friends and co-workers. I wasn’t smoking. In fact, when I walked pasted a smoker, I thought.. ‘Oh My.. do you know what you’re doing to your body?’ I was riding around in a brand new car.. windows down, sun roof open. I took Remi for long walks and loved being home, in my apartment, me and Remi. I was able to get up early, put 2 feet on the ground and declare it a wonderful day in the neighborhood. I would look up at the sky and be thankful for all I had. The flowers were just overpowering, beautiful and life was great! I still missed that someone special in my life. But, I was overall happy.

Fast forward to today! What the hell happened? I haven’t been to the gym in weeks. I’m eating whatever crosses my path. I may or may not be smoking every now and again. The sky is dull (even though its blue skies) and the flowers look like they’re about to die! And Remi walks around wondering who the hell took his mother away?

I hate to admit this, but the one thing that changed in the past few months, was dating. Meeting guys, talking about myself and holding meaningfully conversations. Also, my ability to actually open up to a man. See when I first meet someone, I have this wall up. It’s pretty much like a brick wall! I don’t let them in. They knock and sometimes hard… but I’m too fearful for the day when they come to me and say… ‘this just isn’t working’! So I pretend to be the happy-go-lucky girl I portray. And every single time it has come to bite me in the ass! These guys are great. Family oriented, great jobs (one was a chef.. holy yummy), wonderful personalities, lovely friends, but when I get down to the nitty-gritty… it’s me. Maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe I’m not ready to share my life with someone. Maybe I’ll be the perpetually single friend. Life is not laid out like a business plan. Sometimes things will click, other times things will clang together with the worst noise ever! As I sit here and write this, I’m not exactly sure what my next steps will be. I have pulled myself together in the past and I will now do it again. Life is too short to see dull flowers, when in reality they are springing with life! It can sometimes take a matter of seconds to destroy something that has taken months to build. Picture a sand castle on the beach. Children and their buckets, hard at work for at least 10 minutes or so…. castle is beautiful… and with one BIG stomp from the older sibling it’s crushed. I guess that is how I’m feeling at the moment. Crushed. I know what I NEED to do. I’ve done it many times before and I’ll do it again with the confidence of hitting re-start one last time. This time I won’t let ANYONE stomp on my castle!

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